Yesterday was rough......

Yesterday was rough there is no way around it. I was in a funk that lastest all day and made me angry towards those I love. I felt bad for myself about everything. I guess I read to many blogs where it looks like the moms are wonder women. They have the perfect home, which is perfectly decorated, they have creative fun activites for the kids to do, and make wonderful meals every night. How do they do it I can't manage, I try my best which is all I can do. But, it was making me down among other things. Sometimes, every now and then I still miss teaching. I still have moments where I wonder if that will ever happen, how it will happen if I am out of the field completely. It scares me because I want it so bad. So all day I had the urge on my shoulder to read my scriptures, so at nap time i did. I still don't know what will happen, I think that my Heavenly Father gave me those talents and the opportunity to get my degree he intends on me using it at one point or another, to help his sheep. It will happen I just have to wait for us time. I am where he wants me to be now that I am aware of, because despite trying it has never happened. I don't now I will try to do better and have more faith.

Learning about his life

Well its been a day or two, so here we go again! Lately I have been realizing what a great life I have, how truly blessed I am. Just how much I have been given, the scripture phrase " to whom much is given, much is required," comes to mind. My Heavenly Father has given me so much with the hopes that I would use my talents, my testimony to build up his kingdom. I fear I have been letting him down greatly in the past few years. Sometimes I wonder why me, why have I been born to such a great family, in such a great country. Why have I been born into this gospel, been surronded my whole life by people who encourage me, build me up, and make me stronger. Why have I been given some great talents and then been given the means to continue my education and find a career I love. Why have I been given such a wonderful, talented, hard-working husband. Why have I been given the wonderful gift of motherhood and been blessed with two beautiful, healthy, smart children? Why??? I don't know why but I am truly thankful for what I have been given. Far to often I think on the days troubles, the things I don't have, and I forget the days blessings. I have been given so much! I am making small strides to becoming a better more Christ like person. I was doing so good for so long, and then things went not bad, but just not the way I had planed and then I fell of the bandwagon. My goal is to be like Christ, to learn from him, from his life, and his plan. To build up my testimony, make it stronger, more unbreakable. So that the next time my life doesn't go as planned, I will not crumble. Because I will understand it is all in God's hands, in his plan. It is part of the process, something I have to learn to become more like him. I have started reading and studying the New Testiment and it is my goal to read and study all the way through the Doctrine and Covenants. Call is a New Years Goal just a little early.

TODAY IAM GRATEFUL FOR:

- bonding time in the early morning hours with my sweet Eva Grace, I love her so much
-I am thankful for my husband who encouraged me to read the New Testiment and learn more about my Saviors life.
-I am thankful for this holiday season it is my favorite time of year.
- I am thankful for second chances, and third, and fourth, and so on until we get it right- the Lord doesn't care how many times we try just that we are doing it.

July was a crazy month I haven't decided where it went. We enjoyed the many patrotic celebrations as a family the fourth and the twenty-fourth. They were filled with family, food, fireworks, games, and races. Porter even one first place in the fourth of july races in his age group, it was fun to see him be so excitied. We went camping up Ephraim Canyon for a total of about a week in a half. We spent a lot of time up in Layton as Kev took his bar exam and another test. I am glad the bar is over for now and he can relax and spend more time with us. But, now it is time to get back in the daily swing of life and get back to my scripture study and spirtual growth. Today I read a conference talk given in 2006 entitled Nuturing Your Marriage. I want to share what he called the three keys to having a strong, spirtual marriage.
1. Appreciate:
" To appreciate to say I love you and thank you is not difficult. But these expressions of love and appreciation do more than acknowledge a kind thought or deed. They are signs of sweed civility. As grateful partners look for the good in each other and sincerely pay compliments to one another, wives and husbands will strive to become the person described in those compliments." So key and made me think how often to I do this? Not that much is the answer I nag far more then I give compliment. I love the last part where it says that your wive or husband will in return strive to become the person describled in those compliments. Boost that person up instead of making them aim for the person you describled while your nagging.
2. Communicate:

" Good communication means taking time to plan together. couples need private time to observe, to talk, and really listen to each other. They need to cooperate, helping each other as equal partners. "
3. Contemplate:
" If couples contemplate often, with each other in the temple, sacred coventatns will be betteer remembered and kept. Frequent participation iin temple service and regular family scripture study nourish a marriage and strenghten faith within a family. Contemplation will nurture a marriage and God's kingdom. "

We have not had a temple recommend for going on a year now, we have not particapated in a temple session for going on two. That is not something I am very proud of infact it scares me seeing it in writing. I as the wife need to make this a bigger family goal, getting back to the temple, paying our tithing so we can. I know that going to the temple with your spouse strengths your marriage and in return strenghts your family and testimony. I have seen it in action to many times to deny it. We need this I will make it my goal to get us back there quickly. There is one part in this talk where it says doing these things " strengthens the family within the family." Strengthing and nuturing our marriage will make our family stronger. Our relationship sets the tone for family life.
I am Grateful For:

I am grateful that I got up this morning and got going early it always makes me day more productive and better. I am grateful for this conference talk and the much need push it gave me. I am thankful for a Savior that gives me chance after chance and never gives up on me. I am thankful for temples and eternal families. I am thankful for a funny little three year old and a cute little diva, they make my life so full. And I am thankful for my spouse for his patients and love. I will try harder!

Forgiveness

All throughout my life I thought that I was a forgiving person. That I was one to easily let go, to not hold grudges, and to forgive. I have learned different through a certain experience in my life. I was hurt, I was hurt badly, by something the world would probably view as the norm. The person who hurt me was the person I trusted most in this world. He has probably payed for that mistake more times then he ever thought he would have to. I have made this commentment a million times throughout the last four years. But, today I am letting go, choicing to truly forgive, just as one perfect man did for me many yeas ago. I read a couple of conference talks today to try to get some insight on the sacred principle of forgiveness. I would like to share what I learned:

" Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strenghts we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept others and ourselves."

For going on four years now I have built up such a wall, I have held on to that wrongdoing for so long, that it is now effecting my marriage more then the deed itself. I need to let go now it is on me.

"...Delaying forgiveess causes us to forfiet peace and happiness--rehashing it does the opposite for ones soul." So very true it makes the person refusing to forgive more unhappy then the deed itself.

"... The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord. But because it happens, it must be endured. God knowns what we do not know, he sees what we do not see." I know now that this trial apperared in my life to see if I could truly forgive and follow the principles which had been taught to me my whole life. I failed and not only to I fail but I did so miseerably. Today I prayed and prayed sincerly to my Heavenly Father to help me feel the feelings of forgiveness. To help me find that inner peace and happiness that comes along with doing so. I hope he heard me and i hope I listen to his response.

What He makes, He can fix.....

I took a break from my journal last week as I went up on the mountain for a week with my in-laws. I guess I didn't even think twice about going up with them, without Kevin for a week. Until it was brought to my attention my numerous sources that most would not do this. I am ver fourtunte that I have a great relationship with Kevin's family. I do not feel one ounce of discomfort or awkardness with them. I feel like they are as much my family as those who raised me or as was raised with. They have made me feel like a part of their family not the outsider. For this I thank my Heavenly Father, I see so many who hate their spouses family. Who have nothing but negative to say about them. This is not my stitutation and I am so glad for myself and my kids. We had a great time up on the mountain hanging out, playing games, and getting stuck at 10:00 at night and hanging off a cliff. Great times, Great times!!!!
Today I read a conference talk entitled I will Remember Your Sins No More. It told the story of Alma and his son Corianton. How in short Corianton lost his way, lost sight of the path and his father Alma is tellling him by words and example how to find it again. It talked about the atonement and how our loving Heavenly Father created a plan of repentance and forgiveness. It said, " For, behold, the Lord your Redeemer suffered death in the flesh, wherefore he suffered the pain of all men, that all men might repent and come unto him." ( D&C 18:11) It goes on to say, " Christ is the Creator, the Healer. What He made, He can fix. The gospel of Christ is the gospel of repentance and forgiveness." How lucky our we, do we even realize how lucky we our to have this knowledge in our daily lives. To know that our Savior is not out to get us, he is just that our Savior and he has created a plan for his to be forgiven of our sins and return to live in his presence again! Christ did not just Create us and then forget about us. No, he came to this earth, suffered the sins of the world, he is our Healer. And has created a way for us to fix the sins that hold us captive. He goes on to say, " Each of us has a loving Father in Heaven. Through the Father's redeeming plan, those who may stumble and fall, " are not cast off forever." I know that daily I stumble and I fall and I know that he is there to caught me to keep me going. I love this gospel, I love that I have the knowledge of his plan for me.
I AM GRATEFUL FOR:

I am grateful I made it throught the day yesterday without having a nervous break down. I am grateful that the thought entered my head during a rough day to get down on my knees and my day would go better. Here's to a better atti

As a Child...

Today I read the best conference talk it made me stretch and think and understand. It made me realize how incredible lucky I am to have the truth and that I need to take advantage of it and its powers! The talk was entitled As a Child and it was given by Elder Henry B. Eyring in 2009 General Conference. Its focus was teaching us how to make it through the most perilous times by becoming like a child. It worked around the last sermon given by King Benjamin. The first part I want to remember is when he was talking about how we can strengthen ourselves and others we love against the storms of temptation:


" And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God that ye must build our foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which yea are built, which is a ure foundation....whereon if men build they cannot fall." The imagery in this scripture is amazing. It shows you how much force Satan and his followers will come after you with. And that if you have built your foundation upon Christ you will have the power to with stand their powerful storms. He goes on to talk about how we can build that foundation and why we want to build that foundation. He says, " I can see myself standing in that day of judgment before the glorified and resurrected SAvior. I want with all my heart not to shrink, but rather to look up at Him and see Him smiile and say


" Well done they good and faithful servant. Enter in." Why for some reasons I have never thought in detail about what that day would be like. How powerful and loving the Savior will be when he stands before us. I have never even thought what it would feel or be like to stand infront of him, just the two of us. I to want to be able to stand straight before him, look him in the eye, and now that I deserve to be in his presence. However, at this point in my life I don't know if I could do that with a surety or if I would shrink in his prescences, the later seems more plasuable. He goes on to talk about how King Benjamin made it clear how we can earn that right to stand before him and not shrink. The answer is simply stated, " We must, become as a child--a little child..... To be like a child is not to be childish, it si to be like the Savior, who prayed to his father for strenght to be able to do His will and then did it." He goes on to say, " We are safe on the rock which is the Savior when we have yielded in faith in Him, have responded to the Holy spirit's direction to keep the commandments long enough and faithfully enough that the power of the Atonement has changed our capacity to love and obey we are on the sure foundation." Elder Eyring goes on to share an experience where he truly became like a child and become submissive to his fathers will through the power of prayer. He says he did not recieve and answer to his most crucial question until the completely forgot about what he wanted and asked that the Lord lead him to his will. He said that in that moment the answer became clear and he truly felt the still small voice of the Holy Ghost leading him down the path the Savior wanted him to take. He said, " Only when my heart had been still and quiet, in submission like a little child, has the Spirit been clearly audible to my heart and mind." This part stretched my thinking the most, have I ever truly done this? Have I ever truly forgotten about what I want or need and asked the Savior for his will to be done? Have I ever truly allowed him to take me down the path he wants my life to go? I think I have had my moments but somehow what I want always overrides. My husband is a wonderful example of this when he didn't get the job with West Valley, he was ok with it. He said he knew the Lord had a plan for him and would take him and our family where we were suppose to go. He truly believed this with all his heart. He did not get down about it like I would have, he did not get upset and turn on his faith, like I have. He believed that the Lord knew what he was doind and his faith therfore increased. I am trully trying to have enough faith for this to occur in my life. To let go of the ruins and turn myself over to the Lord. Its hard for me, mabey I am a control freak, maybe I just to have enough faith --whatever the reason I need to try harder, to believe harder, I know my life will be better and I will be happier in the long run. He goes on to say, " What we ned is faith in Him and to love Him. We must knnow that he lives and who He is. When we do, we will love him." He uses the scripture to illustrate his point, " For how knoweth a man the master whom he has not served, and who is a stranger unto him, and is far from the thoughts and intents of his heart? " Do I know my Savior and if I don't how can I really serve him? " We come to love those we serve. If we choose to begin to serve the Master out of even a glimmer of faith, we will begin to know Him. We will come to know His purposes for the people we serve for Him." Maybe I need to really get to know my master and serve him with all my heart, mind, and strenght.
I am Grateful for... I am grateful for this conference talk that it showed me all I need to learn. That it stretched my understanding, mind, and heart. I am thankful for the patients of Porter this morning and that he allowed my studies to go on longer then they usaully do.

Turn it around....

This morning , has not started out so great! I am a person of routine and structure that has been thrown off track this morning. This is not out of the ordinary atleast once a week the kids wake up earlier then planned and my morning routine goes out the window. I need to learn to deal with it and not let if affect my attiude. Besides that my husband is mad at me and we are both not treating eachother like we should. I feel defeated today, then when I get like this I let the devil creep in more then he should. I hear his voice of personel doubt,worthlessness, I start to doubt the Lords plan for me and feel discouraged about the thinkgs that have yet to take place in my life. I am to quick to anger, have no patients and yell at my kids way to much. I need my Heavenly Fathers help to day to get over the funk, prayer has never failed me I will look to it again today. However, on a lighter note yesterday was a good day, Amanda and I took the kids to the Manti Pool. They loved it, we loved it, and enjoyed a day in the sun. It was lots of fun a must do again!

Today in my spirtual study I read a conference talk given by Julie Beck entitled An Outpouring of Blessings. The part I will like to share today, remember is when she is talking about how she has been so blessed materially in her life. And in her travels as she sees the poor conditions others are living in she wonders why she can have so much and others can have nothing. Why the Lord allows life to be like that. She says, " Then one day I sat in a temple next to a sister who lives in a humble house. I spent two hours at her side. I looked often into her beautiful eyes and saw the love of the Lord in them. As we finished our work in the temple, I had a powerful realization. In all of the eternal blessings, in all of our most important privileges and opportunities, we were equals. I had been baptized unto repentance, and so had she. I had spirtual gifts, ans so did she. I had the opportunity to repent, and so did she. I had received the Holy Ghost and so had she. I had received temple ordinances, and so had she. If both of us had left this world together at that moment, we would have arrived equal before the Lord in our blessings and opportunities." Isn't that such a beautiful thing about this gospel? That no matter what our station in this life it does not effect our station in the next. The Lord has given us all the same opportunites and loves us all equally.

I AM GRATEFUL FOR... Even on a day like today with a rough start I still have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful for cartoons that got me throught this morning and made it a little easier. I am grateful for a beautiful, warm summer day that we can go outside and get all his energy out. I am thankful for the spirit of the Lord and that it can, if we allow it to soften our hearts and turn a bad morning into a good day.

PICTURE OF THE DAY:

I picked this picture of Kevin and Porter because they are the two people I have wronged the most this morning and its a reminder that I need to turn it around.

Helping Hands.....

Yesterday was a good day! I am again so grateful to my Heavenly Father for allowing me to be a mother to two wonderful children. My prayers where answered again as he gave me patients and kindness towards them. I did have my moments where I lost my temper but the Lord helped me to gain control and handle things properly. As I think about the events that have taken place in the last six months, my mind is wowed. I had no idea what lay ahead for us, but for once in my life I put my faith in my Heavenly Father. I told him I will go where you want me to go to Lord, I will be who you want me to be. And it has paid of divadends. I was so worried about getting a teaching job but the Lord has eased those worries. I know that atleast for this year I am suppose to be at home, teaching my little ones. That is where I am needed and where the Lord wishes for me to be. So I will be there. I have again had my moments where I worry that he will never want me to be in a classroom, teaching. I feel less of a person when I hear other women talking about their careers, I still have that want to be something great outside of the home. However, in silent moments the Lord always reassures me that my day will come. That he gave me those talents and desires for a reasons and one day he will put them to good use, of this I am sure. I thank the Lord daily for those reassuring moments, and for the place my life is in now. Today we are going swimming with our cousin Paislee and Amanda. Porter is really excitied and it will be a good day of that I am sure!

Today I read a conference talked entitled Tender Hearts and Helping Hands. I would like to remember two parts of this talk, the first goes, " The Savior asks us to "succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees." The Second, "We must reach out to all mankind they are all sons and daughters of God our Eternal Father, and He willhold us accountable for what we do concerning them....May we bless humanity with an outreach to all, lifting those who are downtrodden and oppressed, feeding and clothing the hungry and the needy extending love and neighborliness to those about us who may not be part of this church." -May we see the image of Christ in everyone. A great example of this is my dad, he judges no one and serves everyone. He has showed me countless examples of this throughout my life, for that I am thankful.

Today I am Grateful For: this journal so that I can get all my crazy thoughts and feeling out on paper. I am thankful for my desire to reconnect with my Heavenly Father and find my testimony again. I am thankful for the great examples I have been surronded with. They teach me daily how to conduct true service and how to show true Christ like love. I am thankful for extra long cuddles from my little man this morning.

Picture of the Day:

Good day we enjoyed a nice camping trip with the Lloyd side of the family over the weekend. It was nice to get together with some of my brothers and sisters and enjoy their company. They are truly some of my best friends and I love belly laughing and talking with them. I felt like we made a positive step in the right direction as a family. In years past Kevin and I would have not made a effort to make it down to church on Sunday. This time we did, it was hard, we had to hurry, but we felt that it was important in our turning over a new leaf spiritually. I felt rewarded positively by the Lord for my efforts and I will try my hardest to make it a new goal!

This morning I got up long before the kids did to have some quiet time to myself. Its nice to sit her in silence, do my physical and spiritual exercises without interruptions. Mornings are so peaceful, I love them! I read a conference talk this morning given in 2009 by Elder Robert D. Hales entitled To Act for Ourselves: The Gift and Blessings of Agency. I enjoyed it alot and ex specially enjoyed the part where he discussed making a choose to get pack on the path when we have follow en off. -He said, " Choose to accept -truly accept that you are a child of God, that he loves you, and that he has the power to help you. Choose to put everything literally everything on the altar before him. Believing that you are His child, decide that your life belongs to Him and that you will use your agency to do his will. You may do this multiple times in your life, but never, never give up. Choose to put yourself in a position to have experiences with the Spirit of God through prayer, scripture study, at church meetings, in your home, and through wholesome interactions with others. When you feel the influence of the Spirit, you are beginning to be cleansed and strengthened. The light is being turned on, and where that light shines, the darkness of evil cannot remain. Choose to obey and keep your covenants, beginning with your baptismal covenant. Renew these covenants weekly by worthily partaking of the sacrament. Choose to prepare to worthily attend the temple, make and renew sacred covenants, and receive all of the saving ordinances and blessings of the gospel. Choose to believe in the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Accept the Saviors forgiveness, and then forgive yourself. Because of his sacrifice for you, he has the power to remember your sins no more." How powerful making these simple yet powerful chooses daily can lead us down a path of happiness unlike any other. Sometimes they are hard to do, to let go, to have complete faith, to hand our life over to him who created us, to except his atonement and forgiveness. To love ourselves has much as he loves us. To choose happiness and eternal life over regret and darkness. I will try from this day forward to choose happiness the Lord's happiness.

I am grateful for...

A friends post about prayer and the powerful tool it is has a mother. It helped me through the day yesterday. I am grateful for a fan today that cools down our house. I am grateful for the peace of the morning and the songs of the birds. I am grateful for agency and that I have a choose on how I want to live my life. I am grateful for the atonement and the sacrifice of our Savior. That he loves me and forgives me and wants me to return to him.

Picture of the Day

Creating a Gospel Centered Home

Today I woke up with a really short temper. My fuse was not long today and with Porter having a rough morning it made it even shorter. I found myself snapping at him all morning long. I stopped took a moment to myself, and said a short prayer that my Heavenly Father would see my short comings and help me by giving me more patients. He has so far and I know I need to make a better effort myself. I have been thinking a lot lately about the example spirtually I am for my children. I have been thinking about how we has parents need to make Christ the center of our lives and our homes. So that our children will grow up doing the same. I want my children to know their Savior, to have a testimony of this gospel, to know right from wrong. Today I read a conference talk entitled Our Raising Generation, to say the least it struck a cord. It talked about how the youth will have increasing harder temptations and struggles. It made me think about my children and how evil the world will be when they are teenagers. I thought it was bad seven years ago when I was in high school, it is worse now and it will be even worse then. I need to be a better example, I need to teach my children now so they will know what to do then. I need to have a gospel centered home where they know their parents love one another, they know they are loved, and they feel of the spirit. I think tonight I will sit down with my hubby and talk about the actions we need to take to create that in our lives and in our homes. I will get back to you tomorrow with those new goals for our family.

I am grateful for:

This morning I am grateful for prayer. That I can kneel down and talk to my Heavenly Father and he will give me the strength I need to make it through the day. I am grateful I had parents who taught me I could do that. How took me to church and taught me to love the savior and to pray to him often. I am thankful for the words of our church leaders and for the Ensign that makes their words available to me. I am thankful for my children, for my husband and for the role of motherhood. Though it ways on me heavyly I am thankful for the respondiablity I have to teach my children this gospel.

PICTURE OF THE DAY:

A mintue to breath....

I skipped a few days but made sure I got back on the bandwagon, try, try, try again. Some days it is hard to find a minute to myself and minute to breath, as the blog is entitled. But, I love being a mother, I love that they keep me on my toes, I love that they keep me moving and busy! I love that its 3:00 and I am just now getting to sit down and eat my lunch, it's OK, it's the season of life I am in. One day this season will come to an end and I will miss it of that I am sure. I just got back from a really great weekend get away with my old friends from high school. It was so refreshing to get a way from it all and reconnect with all of those girls. They meant a lot to me them and they me alot to me now. We spent the weekend doing nothing, just laughing are butts off and hanging out around the pool. God was and always has been good to me in the friend department. He has always surrounded me with caring, giving, strong friends, for that I am deeply grateful. It was nice to see them all grown-up, all mothers and wives they are great examples to me.

On another subject the other day I read an article out of the Ensign about strengthening our marriages. I forget all to often to water that garden, to put it first. I need to try harder to be better at putting Kevin's wants and needs above the kids, above my own. He is a great man and a hard worker. He loves me, he reminds me daily how beautiful he thinks I am. He always so affection towards me, kisses and hugs. I can not say the same for myself. I get caught up in the daily tasks of life, focuses on the things I need to accomplish. I get frustrated with him and forget to FORGET about the small things. One day they will be the things I miss about him. The things I wished I would have not made a big deal about. He his my example I need to be more like him. For a long time I couldn't forgive, I held on to things I shouldn't of. I was not in the least bit being Christ-Like. I have since seen the error of my ways and tried to let go, not to say I don't have my days. Days where I remember in detail the pain, days I don't trust, days that aren't so good. But, I try to say a prayer on those DAYS that the Lord will forgive me, forgive him, that I can try harder to be more like my Savior and forgive. Because, I love that man he is as his father said, " The Ying to my Yang." I need to show him that this day and every day.

I AM GRATEFUL FOR....

I fabulous husband who loves me and shows me, I am grateful for my mom who helps me all the time, I am grateful for good friends and a relaxing weekend, I am grateful for laugther it does miracles for a person, I am grateful for my home, I am grateful for forgiveness and that my Savior forgives me and loves me everyday.

PICTURE OF THE DAY.....

A day at the park.........June 7

Today as been a much better day then yesterday! It was like after a day of spirtual high Satan couldn't help but tempt me. I was kind of in a slump yesterday, feeling bad for myself, feeling anxiety, and frustration with myself and my children. I couldn't get moving yesterday it was just one of those days. Around four yesterday after a day of feelling totally unmotivated I decided to chalk the day up for what it was and move on, start again fresh tomorrow, hit the reset button. And so that is what I have tried to do today, be kinder, have more patients, try harder. I can't say that I have completly 100 percent meant that goal but I am making an honest effort. Porter tries my patients and sometimes I snap. I prayed today for patients , to be able to respond to him kinder and not have my voiced feeled with anger. The Lord has helped me I need to work and pray for that everyday. Today as I watched him play at the park and I read a plaque that said, " Dedicated to the children who play her and to those who never got the chance." I was reminded how fragile our lives are. And how the most important people can be taken from us in an instance. We need to show our love for them as much as we can. We need to appriceate their presence. I will try to remember that when my patients has run dry not only with my two year old but with all the great people in my life. Thank you Heavenly Father for reminding me
I AM GRATEFUL FOR....
a beatuiful baby girl who is so laid back and easy going. She hardly ever cries and is just happy to go along with anything I throw at her. I am grateful for a spunky two year old who takes forever to walk home because he has to pick up every rock he see's. I am grateful for primary songs that make him take a nap. I am grateful that I get to spend one on one time for the next three days with Porter at swim class. I am grateful for the park and sunshine so Porter can get all of his energy out. I am grateful for a husband who made it possiable for me to stay home so I don't miss the moments anymore
PICTURES OF THE DAY.....

A great Day......

Yesterday was a really spirital day for our family. Our sweet little Eva Grace was given a name and a blessing by her father, and so many family memebers were here to share the day with us. She looked like an angel in her pretty white dress. Kevin gave a beatuiful blessing and the dinner was great. At the end of the day after the last car full of family pulled away, I sat on the porch holding my little girl. Kevin and Porter were watering the garden together. I thought to myself I have so much to be grateful for, my cup ruineth over. My life and mind our in a really good place right now. I feel like I have been given a new start, a new chance to get back on the right track. After a quiet reminder from my sweet husband that he had never heard me randomly get up and bare my testimony I did it. It had been a very long time since I had gotten up and public bore my testimony. Maybe its because for a while there it had gotten buried under anger and feelings of failure. It got burried under not fully understanding my Heavenly Fathers plan for me, or not fully agreeing with it. No matter the reason it got lost but I am finding it again. I feel like that was a big step for me, it felt good!
I AM GRATEFUL FOR......

Today I grateful that I had a mintue to write in this journal, I am grateful for a sweet goodbye from my husband. I am grateful that I woke up to such a sweet little face next to mine. I am grateful for sunshine and school lunch. I am grateful my mom lives just up the road and that I get to see my family so often. I am grateful for a wonderful Sunday and that we had so many people who love and support us. And most importantly I am grateful for a kind and loving Heavenly Father who forgives us and loves us despite our short comings.

PICTURE OF THE DAY.....

Well day two and I am still on the bandwagon, hey thats a big achievement for me! This morning was kind of nice the family slept in and I decided to get up around 6:30 so I could have a hour or if I am lucky two for alone time. I know its a desperate attempt but if I can't find it during the rest of the day, I guess morning will have to due. It works though because after years of getting up in the wee morning hours I have become a morning person. Yesterday, I started off so good, trying to have a postive attuide, speaking calmly and kindly to my love ones, exspecially my little Porter. But, as the day progressed and I got increasingly sleepy and Porter got increasingly louder- my patients wore very thin. My kind words quickly turned to angry words and my patients was thrown out the window. I need to try hard at keeping my words and tone nice. When I get frustrated with my crazy two year old I take it out on my husband. Its so wrong of me to do but I do and I know I am doing it and I don't stop. Today I will start new again and try harder to reach this goal. I prayer for it every morning that I will be blessed with patients, I feel the Lords help and sometimes, well a lot of times I feel his dissapointment. So today I will try my hardest to make him proud of me and me of myself. I will try to be caring and kind. I will try to have a calm, respectful tone. I will try to see the good in those around me and not be so quick to anger or judge. I will try to make those around me feel like the are the most important and that what they are saying matters to me, I will try to listen, to really listen. I will try and then tomorrow I will try again.
I AM GRATEFUL......
Today I gratiful for sleeping children, for a quiet peaceful morning. I am grateful that, that quiet will soon come to an end and that I will be surronded by the love and laughter of two small children. I am grateful that my husband has a good job to go to and a reliable car to take him there. I am grateful for good friends that will give me some adult conversation while our kids play together. I am grateful for cheap rent and good weather and a stroller so I can get fresh air and go on a walk. I am grateful and I will try my hardest to keep that attuide all day.

THOUGHTS ON TODAY'S CONFERENCE TALK: Respect and Reverence

" While we may not see an immediate, miraculous transformation as surely as the Lord lives, a quiet on will take lae. The spiritual power in the lives of each memeber and in the Church will increase. The Lord will pour out his Spirit upon us more abundantly. We will be less troubled, less confused. We will find revealed answers to personel and family promblems."

To recieve the Lord's direction we need to be reverent and respectful to the spirit, we need to quiet our voice and listen for his.

peace out - until we meet again

Back to the game....

I did so good for awhile and then fell off the bandwagon, well I am back on. I guess as long as I am putting in a honest effort, recongizing my short comings, and getting up and trying again. The last few months have been chuck full of crazy life changes. First, our sweet little Eva Grace finally made her debut. She made us wait an extra week in a half but it was worth the wait. The labor was hard and hurt like crazy but it all washes away the second you see that sweet little face. She is a beuatiful, peaceful little girl and my heart is filled with so much love for her. Second,Kevin graduated from law school I couldn't have been prouded of him! It was so neat to see someone I love so much walk accross that stage and receive something they have worked so hard for and sacrificed a lot of for. Wow, it brought a lot of tears to my eyes, what a man. I told you early in the year that we would " Go where you want us to go dear lord." I had no idea that would be a two year clerkship in Aurora, Utah of all places. Crazy how life turns out I would have never guessed we would end up here for a time. I am staying home, the Lord has provided a way for me to do that. I as always worry about how it will affect my wanting to teach in later years, but I have a strong feeling every time that thought enters my head, that this is where the Lord wants me for this season of life and he will provide away for me to teach and for that desire to be fulfilled in another season of life. For that I am gratiful. We moved into a new house just a couple of blocks from my parents, it is my sweet Grandma Lloyds house. It is weird to be in this space and try to make it my own, when it is so clearly hers. But, the Lord blessed us again and gave us cheap rent making it easier for me to stay home. So many blessings we are so gratiful.
I read a talk yesterday about challenges in our life and how we choice to face them. A qoute in the talk read, " Bloom Where You Are Planeted." Amazing I thought I need to change my attiude towards life. And realize the Lord has a plan for us, we go where he wants us to go. If we choice to Bloom where we are planted so many blessings and growth can occur in our lives. I am excitied for the new chapter we have begun to write. I am excited for the new little spirit the Lord has blessed me with. I am grateful for the Lord, for his strength and guidance in my life. I am so grateful.

Hallmarks of A Happy Home....

Today my mind was conmplenting just how I can make my home a better, more inviting place for the spirit to reside in. I came across a talk given my President Monson in 1988 entitled Hallmarks of A Happy Home. There it gave us four guidelines to follow to increase the happiness in our homes they were as follows:

1. A pattern of Prayer
2. A library of Learning
3. A Legacy of Love
4. a treasure of Testimony


A pattern of prayer:

We do manage to have family prayer most nights of the week. But, I can say that sometimes we are just going through the motions, saying the words, but not really putting much thought or sincerity into it. We need to try harder as parents, and my personally as an individual to put real meaning and thought into this process. So, Porter will grow up realizing the power and importance of true and meaningful prayer.

“Prayer is the soul’s sincere desire, Uttered or unexpressed.” (Hymns, 1985, no. 145.)
So universal is its application, so beneficial its result, that prayer qualifies as the number-one hallmark of a happy home. As parents listen to the prayer of a child, they too draw close to God. These little ones, who so recently have been with their Heavenly Father, have no inhibitions in expressing to Him their feelings, their wishes, their thanks.
Family prayer is the greatest deterrent to sin, and hence the most beneficent provider of joy and happiness. The old saying is yet true: “The family that prays together stays together.”

It is so true Porter loves to give the prayer each night, in fact every night is his turn. And, even if Kevin or I offer the prayer he repeats every word out loud as well.

However, family prayer also needs to occur between a husband and a wife each night. As you may recall one of my spiritual goals for this year was to pray each night with just Kevin. I can not say that this is happened once since I began this journal. But, I will make it a goal to try harder and to have it be a common occurrence by the end of the year. President Monson had this to say about couples who kneel in prayer together.......

On October 7, my wife, Frances, and I will have been married forty years. Our marriage took place just to the east of us in the holy temple. He who performed the ceremony, Benjamin Bowring, counseled us: “May I offer you newlyweds a formula which will ensure that any disagreement you may have will last no longer than one day? Every night kneel by the side of your bed. One night, Brother Monson, you offer the prayer, aloud, on bended knee. The next night you, Sister Monson, offer the prayer, aloud, on bended knee. I can then assure you that any misunderstanding that develops during the day will vanish as you pray. You simply can’t pray together and retain any but the best of feelings toward one another.”
When I was called to the Council of the Twelve just twenty-five years ago this weekend, President McKay asked me concerning my family. I related to him this guiding formula of prayer and bore witness to its validity. He sat back in his large leather chair and, with a smile, responded, “The same formula that has worked for you has blessed the lives of my family during all the years of our marriage.”

"Prayer is the passport to spiritual power."

I think that this would help me and Kevin in our disagreements and trials I need to make this my personal mission.

2. A Library of Learning:

“Seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith.” (D&C 88:118.)

3. A Legacy of Love:

This is so important to a happy home. Sometimes I feel like mine is full of resentment of my part and anger on his part. I know that Porter recognizes these feelings between the two of us, and doesn't welcome their presents. He always tells us when we are having a disagreement in front of him " don't be mad," or " don't be mean." Kevin and I , or should I say me personally need to work on seeing the good, not just focusing on the imperfections, forgiveness, and love. This has been my downfall in the last few years, and I need to let go. We as parents forge our children's ideas of love, marriage, and home based on the examples we give them. Right now I am failing and I need to try harder. President Monson said this quote in this talk, and I really loved it...

"Choose your love; Love your Choice."

4. A treasure of Testimony:

Does my child now I have a testimony? I don't know but I sure hope so. Though weak it might be, I am working on building it up, and I know its existence is still there. I need to do things in my home that will not only build mine but forge a way for his.

"My brothers and sisters, let us determine, whatever our circumstance, to make of our houses happy homes. Let us open wide the windows of our hearts, that each family member may feel welcome and “at home.” Let us open also the doors of our very souls, that the dear Christ may enter. Remember His promise: “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him.” (Rev. 3:20.)

I'll Go Where You Want Me To Go Dear Lord....

Alot has happened this week that has derailed our current course of Post -Law School plans. Ever since the summer we were 95 percent sure that Kevin would be working for West Valley City and we would live in Northern Utah somewhere. Those plans had even been moved to 99 percent surety after many long converstations with the City Attorney, Kevin was even offered to work part-time for them this summer while studying for the Utah Bar. I had come to the conclusion that I would try out doing an In-Home Preschool for a year and if I didn't enjoy it would try for a teaching job in Davis or one of the surronding school districts. However, plans change I guess, course directions are made, and the Lord felt this was not the right course for us to take, so he has sent us on a new one. The City Attorney who was going to hire Kev retired very abroutly last week and the position had to be filled ASAP, leaving us out in the dark. Immediately upon hearing this news both of us felt very dissappointed, but we were also both filled with a peace that everything would turn out for the better. Now this is not to say that I have not personally had many bouts of anxiety since then. When will we know where we are going? Will we live in a place where my career options are still available to me? Will Kevin get a job that he enjoys and that will take him places he wants to go? What state will we end up in? However, in silent moments of pondering and pray I know these questions will all be answered in the Lord's time. Yesterday, morning I was reading in 1 Nephi and came accross the scripture which struck a cord,



".........And inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments, ye shall prosper, and shall be ed to a lan of promise;yea, even a land whic I have prepared for you; yea a land which is choice above all other lands."


It may not be on the mountain’s height,Or over the stormy sea;
It may not be at the battle’s front,My Lord will have need of me;
But if by a still, small voice He calls,To paths that I do not know,I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in Thine,I’ll go where You want me to go.

I’ll go where You want me to go, dear Lord,O’er mountain, or plain, or sea;
I’ll say what You want me to say, dear Lord,
I’ll be what You want me to be.

Break down on Hope

This week I have to admit I have slacked a little bit. However, I did recognized it and tryed to get back on track. I really want to reach this goal, if its the one I keep that works for me. I have continued to study the concepts of Faith, Hope, and Charity--since I feel these are thee things I personally really need to work on and understand. This morning I read an old conference talk entitled The Infinite Power of Hope, by President Dieter F. Uchdorf. It was very helpful in understanding Hope and what the presences or lack of in our lives can do and lead to. He described the importance of Hope in our lives this way, "Hope has the power to fill our lives with happiness. It's absence-when the desires of our heart is delayed - can make the heart sick." I really connected with this statement and it made me realize that for the last little while, in my life, hope has been missing. Prayers and desires of my heart were not fulfilled and my hope was then replaced with despere and resentment. I know what that feels like and its not all that great. The Lord allows us to feel despair because as it says in the scriptures, " there must be opposition in all things." If we never feel sadness what would happiness mean to us. So if we have never known despair what would Hope then mean to us. President Uchtdorf said this.......

"So it is with faith, hope, and charity. Doubt, despair, and failure to care for our fellowmen lead us into temptation, which can cause us to forfeit choice and precious blessings.
The adversary uses despair to bind hearts and minds in suffocating darkness. Despair drains from us all that is vibrant and joyful and leaves behind the empty remnants of what life was meant to be. Despair kills ambition, advances sickness, pollutes the soul, and deadens the heart. Despair can seem like a staircase that leads only and forever downward.

Hope, on the other hand, is like the beam of sunlight rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances. It pierces the darkness with a brilliant dawn. It encourages and inspires us to place our trust in the loving care of an eternal Heavenly Father, who has prepared a way for those who seek for eternal truth in a world of relativism, confusion, and of fear."

I relate so much to the part were he talks about how despair leaves behind the empty remnants of what life was meant to be. I had always felt like if I lived the way I was suppose to then things would just go according to my plan. Sure, I have had occasions in my early life were things didn't go according to plan but they always worked out. So after I graduated from college and had found something that I loved to do I figured when the time came, if I prayed really hard, I would get a teaching job. It didn't work out so, I was extremely disappointed in myself, and let resentment take over. Instead, of realizing that my Father in Heaven had a plan for me, that I was at my current job for a reason and put my whole faith and trust in him. I was full of resentment, lost my faith in his plan, and choice to allow my self to feel sorry for myself for going on two years. I would think often about how things would be so much better if it had turned out the way it was suppose. But, know looking back there were lessons to be learned, I realize that know. This journey has opened up new doors, given my new options, I am gratify for that.

President Uchtdorf then goes on to explain the gospel definition of the word Hope.

"Hope is not knowledge, but rather the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promise to us. It is confidence that if we live according to God’s laws and the words of His prophets now, we will receive desired blessings in the future.1 It is believing and expecting that our prayers will be answered. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance.
In the language of the gospel, this hope is sure, unwavering, and active. The prophets of old speak of a “firm hope” and a “lively hope.” It is a hope glorifying God through good works. With hope comes joy and happiness. With hope, we can “have patience, and bear . . . [our] afflictions.”

'There may be times when we must make a courageous decision to hope even when everything around us contradicts this hope. Like Father Abraham, we will “against hope [believe] in hope.” Or, as one writer expressed, “in the depth of winter, [we find] within [us] an invincible summer.”

Yesterday I read a conference entitled The Rock of Our Redeemer, given by Elder Wilford W. Andersen . One particular part in this talk brought me both to tears and to a realization of all that I had somehow let slip away. It was a story about a family going through a very difficult trail and how they put their complete faith in the Gospel and its teachings. The father was fighting a very uphill battle with cancer. After a difficult week he Doctor gave the family the news that there was nothing more they could do for him. With that news the father looked at his family and said, " Does anyone here have a problem with the plan of salvation?" There simply faith and hope in the gospel teachings and in the Savior gave them the peace and comfort they needed to get through that very difficult time. I realized how much I lacked that, I little faith in my fathers plan and in his teachings I had. I am working on it, finding my way back!

Faith, Hope,Charity

This week I have been studying the concept of Faith, Hope, and Charity and how we can apply these things in our daily lives. First I want to start out with the defination of all three:

Faith: To have a confidence in something or someone, To hope for things which are not seen but which are true, is centered in Christ, and developed by obdience and righteousness.

Moroni 7 Vs. 26

.... Whatsoever thing, ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is good, in faith, beieving that ye shall recieve, behold it shall be done unto you.

Hope: A strong belief, hope is a feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn our for the best, is given through the Atonement of Christ, Faith and Hope walk hand in hand can not have one without the other, is developed through pure humality

Moroni Chapter 7 Vs.

...Hope through theatonement of christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this because of yor faith in him according to the promise.

Charity: The pure love of Christ -

see Moroni Chapter 7 Versue 45

...And Charity suffereth long, is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth beartheth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

How then do we allow these three principles to take hold in our lives? It is something that I have clearly struggled with. I always thought it was just the charity part that I struggled with but after studying it out I have come to the conclusion it is all three. Because, you can not have charity without faith and hope, through which the pure love of Christ is developed. Hope is sprung from faith and the by-product is charity. In the book No One Can Take Your Place Sherry Dew dedicates a whole chapter to these concepts. Using the life of Majorie Pay Hinckley to exemplifiy them so clearly.


It feels like this is a really hard thing to do sometimes and has been hard for me to do as of late. I have been so focused these last couple of years of my hardships, and on my dissappointments, and feelings of failure that I have put all my focus inward instead of outward. My attuide and relationships have suffered greatly because of this. In place of optimism I have turned to a pestumess. My feelings of gratitude have turned to feelings of why me, I have forgotten.

There is a story in his book where Majorie's grandchildren descripe talking to their grandmother. "....I never talk with Grandma that I don't feel a surge of energy. If she thinks I can do something, then I can." I want my family and friends to feel that eveytime they talk to me.

Sherry Dew describled how one is when they let the pure love of Christ or charity rule in their lives. " It was the pure love of Christ that allowed her to stop worrying about how the world saw and treated her, and left her free to focus her attention on others. It was the pure love of Christ that allowed her to rejoice in the accomplishments of others without feeling jealous or intimidated; to focus intently on others rather than worry how she was being viewed. It was the pure love of Christ that, over time, made her oblivious the the enticements of the world. It was because she was filled with the pure love of Christ that she never failed to have the impact on others she had. And the results were stunning."

I need to remember not to grieve over my dissapointments but to rejoice in the new learning experiences, people, and adventures they bring into my life. The Lord knows me, has a plan for me, and everything that happens in my life is part of that plan and will help me reach my final destination. As Majorie put it..." Don't grieve over the cherries. Enjoy the pineapple and mangoes."

Never focus on what you don't have or you might miss some important stuff. Remember that those around you exspecially that person you have choicen to spend eternatity with are not perfect. She put it this way, .." I try to remember that he isn't perfect, just almost perfect. I am grateful to share his life with him. " I have struggled with that through the past years. I want to look back on my marraige and remember the good times, the good things, the reasons I love him, find joy in our journey hand in hand.

Have hope that Christ's hand is guiding you life . Have faith that he knows you, your desires, and hears your prayers. And then turn your thoughts always outward instead of inward.

President Hinckely once said, ... " All of us are largely the product of the lives that touch ours."

And above all remember that happiness is a choice.

" Living the gospel is the only way to be happy and that being happy is a choice."

Let's try this again....

I really starte of the spirtual journey with such vigor, but ofcourse life got busy and my vigor burned out! As I start a new year 2011 I am making it my personal goal to find my testimony again. I feel like the las two years it has been lost by the way side somewhere. My faith has been shocken a time or two and I never fully recovered. I became lazy and let other thing take over. It is my mission to find my faith again, to become a true follower of my savior and his gospel. To have a true and deep understand of his teachings, of our purpose, and find true and everlasting happiness. I will achieve this by:

1. Setting aside thirty mintues of gospel/scripture study time each night after Porter is asleep.
2. Writting in this online journel everyday, know I am having a new arrival to our family in March so some entries around that time could be small. But I would like to atleast write my blessing of the day down.
3. Try to have scripture study and prayer with Kevin each night.
4. Continue Family prayer
5. Each monday try to have a small family home evening, small spirtual thought, a scripture, and prayer, and possiable a treat.

So I know it is late but today is my first day on this journey.